I am a mom of a cutie pie (very biased). And I wanted to share my experiences with others (including my cuties grandparents, great-grandparents, numerous uncles and other relatives). I love being a mom and can't imagine doing anything else.from James
The following entry was writen by the best husband a girl could ask for. Thanks for writing it James and for being so honest and open. There is no one else I want by my side through good and bad. I love you tons babe.
I couple of months ago Emily asked me if I would like
to write on her blog. I thought "sure, that would be
easy". But, then I tried to write something and I
realized that it was going to be harder than I
thought. I have tried to write something a couple of
times and haven't gotten very far. Everytime I try to
put into words what I am feeling I get overhelmed. It
is hard to describe the feelings and emotions that
come from this experiance. So I decided that I would
just start slow.
I want to first say how much I love emily an alivia.
They are my life. Emily has been so strong. I am
amazed every day how she is responding to this
incredibly bad situation. And Alivia is so resiliant.
She lights up our lives. That is why this is so hard.
Our daughter is sick. But its more than just sick, she
is really sick. There is a good chance that she will
die. This sucks. This really, really, sucks. It is so
hard even to write this. It almost feels like if we
don't acknolwdge it, it isn't real. But this is a very
real possiblility. This thought is completley
paralizing. It makes me want to shut down. It makes me
not want to get up in the moring. It stops me in the
middle of my day. Its as if my life was over on April
8th. And now we are living in a weird parallel
univere were everything is off.
This is not somthing that gets easier as time goes on.
You don't get used to it. It doesn't go away. It is
just as hard, or more, than is was 5 month ago. It
just gets more and more draining. There is nothing fun
about what we are going through. There doesn't seem to
be anything good about it either. I still believe that
God exist. And I believe that He is in control. But I
don't see anything good about this situation. I don't
see God in it. But in my head I know that He is here.
I just don't feel it or see it or experience it. All
we have is trust. I guess that this is what faith is.
Believing in something that we can't see. We have
nothing concrete to hold on to. All we have is blind
trust. This is a very scary place to be. But somehow
we make it through. We move along. Each day we take
another step forward.
Thats all for now. Its late. I hope to write more in
the future. I want to end by saying thanks to my
friends. You know who you are and you have been there
for me in this time. You let me be myself and you hold
me up through all this.
*James*
posted by Alivia's Momma @ 8:33 AM
18 Comments:
James,
You are a great guy and I'm so glad Emily found you. Alivia is a fortunate chicklet to have p's like you two. I can't even imagine what it's like to live with this situation every day, but please know there are people praying/thinking about you each and every day. I have Livi all over my screensaver and desktop wallpaper and you guys are in my heart throughout each day. Now I have a cute pic of Livi and her Daddy to add to the collage. You and Emily lean on each other. It's amazing what strength you'll be able to find and see in each other.
Luv ya, Aunt Lisa
Dear James,
No words can express how deeply you have touched my heart.
Such courage you have!
Always hoping and praying for your precious, little girl,
Maryann Plesnicher
James,
You do not know me. I go to Chesapeake in MD. We are friends with Briana and Lawence. Thanks for the honesty! You and your family are in my prayers daily. I have read this blog from beginning until now. We, my family have too endured severe tragegy. It is hard to find or see God in it at the time. Please know that He is there in the friends you mentioned, in the wife He has given you, in the church He has placed you in, in the in-laws and parents He has given you. When we can not see Him He uses His people as His arms and legs to hold us up and comfort us. Keep the faith and remember He has placed even strangers to pray for and encouage you!
God Bless!
Donna Bishop
Oh my gosh! What a sweet picture of Livi and James! She looks a little mischievous, like she knows Daddy is wrapped around that cute little pinkie!
Thank you, James, for your honesty about how you are feeling...possibly something like being punched in the gut five months ago and still not being able to walk straight.
We are lifing all of you guys up in prayer and will continue until Livi is healed. I thank God for His graces and blessings that He continues to show you...family...friends...and a little sweetheart who is on the verge of taking her first step!
Still praying!
Mary Ann K.
James, when you married Emily you told us you would take care of our "little girl". And you are! I love you James, and wish with all my heart this wasn't your/our life now! Thanks for blogging...I notice these blogs are mostly female driven. Thanks for sharing your anguish with us...we feel it too. Love, Gretchen
I was really touched by your openess and honesty James...to the point of tears as you shared the hard reality of what you're going through.
I don't doubt what Emily says about you being a great husband, through good and bad. You're always so supportive and flexible. You're faith in God, despite feeling His lack of presence, will see you through.
Our prayers are still with you.
How does a mother put into words the love and admiration she has for her manly son as she watches him work harder than most men....and carry such a weight on his heart? I never knew that you would walk down such a hard road, James. But I could always see in you a determination in the face of danger that made me wonder how God would use you. Here we are. And I am SO PROUD of the man that you are for Emily and Alivia. I love you all just tons.
Cynthia/Mom
Dear James-Five years ago I could not have been happier to have my daughter become your wife. I was certain that you were the answer to my prayer that God would provide a godly husband who would love and cherish Emily as much as I. You have far exceeded our expectations. Little did I know what the "passing of the baton" would mean. That you and Emily would produce our precious little Livi, who as you know, could not be loved any more by her grandparents and uncles. She truly "lights up" my life, as well. As far as I am concerned Livi is living proof that there is a God, and that He is totally involved in our lives. I have no other explanation for the indescribable love that I have for her. One moment it wasn't there, and then upon her birth the love overflowed... less I burst. I often smile and cry at the same time when I think of her (these days that is about every minute of the day).
I know that you and Emily have started to talk about the unthinkable and I certainly understand you doing so. I also know that you are continuing to cry out to God to end this trial by healing Livi. My suspicion is that we have been joined by countless thousands who are asking, seeking, knocking, imploring, and, yes, even pleading God to heal your/our little Livi.
The circumstances do not dictate the outcome, that is in God's hands. Therein lies the mystery of our suffering. That our God is permitting this to happen and continue beyond or at least quite near our limits of endurance. All of this despite demonstrating His love for us by having His own Son suffer and die on the cross for our sins.
It would seem a simple matter for a God who parted the Red Sea, raised Lazarus from the dead, calmed the storms, multiplied the loaves and fishes, and healed all who were brought to Him sick, to mend the blood and the marrow of Livi. That is this simple beggar's plea. I, for one, am still expecting a miracle from our heavenly Father. I am asking for His Son Jesus to be our advocate with the Father in having it be His will that she live a long life with her Mommy and Daddy. Love, Dave (Grandpa)
James, I'm praying that the Lord will reveal Himself to you both and reveal his purpose. Also, that you will feel the Holy Spirit's presense on a dayly basis and be able to hold up under the pressure.
I love you both tons,
John
James:
Thanks so much for your candor. I know it is so much harder to see God in all of this when it is happening to you, but I can assure you that I see God all over this situation. I don't know why it is, but God always seems to show my friends and family the things I can't see in the depths of my grief. He has spoken to me continuously about his Lordship over this situation.
I just love that picture of you and Alivia and your sweet words about Emily. Your family is so precious. You hang in there. I am praying for all of you.
Love,
Caroline
James,
We are praying that God would heal Alivia and that you and Emily would know God's peace this day.
You and Emily's example in all this has been heroic.
~Phil Kim
James,
Thanks for being open and sharing your perspective. I was reading through Psalm 112 today and I thought of you and Emily today.
Praise the LORD.
Blessed is the man who fears the LORD, who finds great delight in his commands.
His children will be mighty in the land; the generation of the upright will be blessed.
Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man.
Surely he will never be shaken; He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. His heart is secure, he will have no fear;
Lord, I pray for James and Emily that you will show light in this darkness. I pray that their hearts would be steadfast and secure in you. Thank you that they trust in you and look to you. I pray that they will not fear bad news. I thank you Lord that in says in your word that you deliver the upright from all their fears and troubles. Please fulfill this promise to James and Emily. Thank you Lord that you hear this prayer and all the prayers that are being lifted up for James, Emily and healing for Alivia. In your Son's name. Amen.
James,
Until I was 7 I thought we were twins. Our lives were lived side by side until we got out of college, found our wives and started our families. God has seen fit to take us down similar roads of severe trial. I can relate to the paralyzing sick feeling you feel. Your faith is in something you can't see, feel or understand and that is ok... the story is not over and God feels every painful step with you. He is an Awesome God.
your brother
Good morning James and Emily-
I love the picture of ALivia in her crib and the one of her with James. Emily i continue to pray for grace and strength for you as you care, serve, watch for signs, and love Alivia each day and in the face of treatment and unthinkable hard decsions to make. through this i admire and appreciate both you and james's honesty and wrestling with God. God will not let go of his grasp on you. i am praying for you as you head to hershey again today. you are a witness to those nurses and enjoy handing out the bags and thank you notes. you continue to think about others and ways to show appreciation and are an example of God's love. praying for God to heal ALivia body's and for wisdom for the doctors and for you and james as you make decsions. love you-jamie
James,
I pray for the manifest presence of God's Amazing Grace, poured lavishly into your life...
empowering you to walk this road. I hear of the inward courage God has given you allowing you to express his strength moving you on.... feelings of uncertainty, yet being quite certain, unsteady, yet steadfast, shaken, yet unmoved. This is the amazing grace that I read of in your lives that comes ONLY from your Lord Jesus. It is a testimony that comes forth, giving me a greater gratitude and love for our Lord. I will be praying.
Never have I seen a sweeter picture of daughter and dad. how can a picture speak so eloquently without a word, how can a bunch of megapixels lined up together produce such emotion? I think it is because it captures a moment in time. The time we are given. The gift of life, love, and relationships. Living in the moment, capturing the moment in time forever, rejoicing in the moment, taking each moment as a special gift and not taking a single moment for granted. None of our moments are guaranteed, not even deserved or earned, but they are important and beautiful and given to us to enjoy (or endure as the case may be) James, you are correct that it doesn't get easier and you do not get used to it. It does stink. It reeks of evil and the consequences of a world steeped in sin. We who belong to the Lord, shouldn't we be spared? Isn't there a scale of fairness that should prevent this kind of wrong and why isn't God manning the scales and paying attention to what is happening. Does he actually notice, even allow it, and not do anything to right the wrong? Apparently not. Obviously not! And what about the pain? The unbearable heartache? The gnawing wrench in your gut? How much can one person take? More? Oh, okay, then here's more. And more and more. Do we cry for an end to the misery? Yes, faithfully. Do we ask why? Daily. Do we get any satisfying answers? No, none that really satisfy.
I hear you James. I understand. crystal clarity in your words. They are true. The journey is so hard. Nothing can compare. Maybe that IS why God had to go through this. With his son. It sort of brings the anguish in the garden a little closer to home doesn't it? "Is there ANY OTHER WAY? If there is, PLEASE show me now because how can I face what I am facing? If you can, please take this away and give me any other cup. Is there another cup?" Apparently, no. Obviously not. Surrender. Sacrifice. Horrendous suffering. What is there left to say? Thy will be done!
Aunt Marcy
Dear James and Emily,
I don't know who Aunt Marcy is, but oh how I cried at the TRUTH and PAIN she writes. (Aunt Marcy you have captured the whole truth of life). It is worth printing that reponse and keeping it close. I really respect you two and pray for you often...tearfully so.
Beejee
James,
It's Dave Noble from long time ago.. (tall skinny guy that went to Millersville) I was reading through Sara Rankin's blog and I saw that your daughter was sick and I came here.
Through tears, my lovely wife Lisa and I prayed for Alivia tonight, pleading with God for her healing. I know that He heals, but I don't know His plans, but I do know that He has promised to never leave or forsake us. Never. Even through the darkest days, He is still our light. Darkness can never penetrate the light.
Much love from 4500 miles away,
Dave
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