Day +115

Today was rough...rough, rough, rough. I spent a large amount of time crying. It started with little to no sleep last night and got worse as the day progressed.

Last night Alivia had a fever. Not a strange thing for a transplant patient. Only problem is she is already on every antibiotic and anti fungal. All her blood cultures have been negative for weeks so its nothing bacterial. Throughout the night and day her breathing was fast and her fever came and went. She hasn't thrown up since yesterday but is frequently gagging on the drainage from her nose. She is so tired from not much sleep but can't really seem to get comfortable. There were nurses and docs in and out all day checking on her resporation rate. We ended up testing her blood gas. The test was to see how much carbon dioxide was in her blood. If the level is high that means her lungs aren't able to clear the carbon dioxide which is a clear sign of respitory failure. If she goes into respitory failure then she would have to go the the intesive care unit and be put on a ventilator. If that happens chances are she would never come off. To keep her on the ventilator would require steriods and that is what we are trying to get out of her system so she can fight the lymphoma. It is a thin line we are walking. Thankfully the test came back showing it wasn't carbon dioxide but instead she was acidodic (don't know how to spell it) meaning her PH is compensating for a part of her body that is making too much acid (or something). Too much for me to understand. In the time we were waiting for the results to come back we had a very serious talk with one of the doc's (one of the one's we really like) about what to do if she stops breathing, whether or not we would resusitate, when is enough enough and so on. I could hardly breath throughout the talk. James and I have some serious things to discuss. She is still holding her own but as the docs have said we are on the tip of a two edged sword. Tomorrow we will get the results back from Mondays EBV test. If the EBV level is up from last week then that means they will have to figure out something new to do because the chemo must not be working.

We need prayer...we need a miracle...we are desperate.